We love relying on an au pair to keep the family wheels turning. So far, we have hosted two au pairs. Our first one, an Austrian girl, was with us from October 2021 to July 2022, surviving a floor-to-ceiling renovation and a two-month stint in Barcelona. We found her through personal contacts. Our current au pair, who we found on AuPairWorld, is a 20-year-old Finn, has been with us in Portugal for just over a month now. Having her made it possible for us to have enough time to homeschool and work full-time.
We definitely went into hosting an au pair with our eyes closed. After one chat with the au pair, we said, “sure, come on over!”. We thought about the practicalities, like where she’s going to sleep and how we’ll all fit in the car. But there are so many other things we should’ve thought about.
To start, I want to say that both experiences with an au pair have been fantastic. We’ve really not had any complaints and could not have asked for better and more suitable au pairs. Both young women came to us eager to become members of our family and to love our kids as younger brothers. Of course, it’s perfectly possible to host an au pair who is more like an employee. For us though, we prefer to forge a close bond that will hopefully last a lifetime.
But even without any conflicts, sharing a life with someone who is, essentially, a stranger, brings certain complexities. Here are 6 things you should consider if you’re thinking of hosting an au pair. Spoiler alert: #5 and #6 may be new to you!
1. Onboarding takes time
Even if everything goes smoothly from the get-go, your kids don’t know your au pair from Adam. Building trust takes time. They’ll come to you with their “can I have some yogurt” and “the au pair says I need to go out now, is that true?” If you really need an au pair to take the kids off your hands for some hours a day, it’s better to have the au pair come at least a week before so the kids get to know them. This is especially true if the kids are small.
2. Talk to the au pair about your values
This way, they can make decisions on their own, and they’ll be in line with your decisions. It’s important for the au pair’s authority (and your sanity) that the kids don’t always come to you with their appeals. This can be something practical, like no snacks before a meal, or whether you require the kids to finish all the food on their plates. It can also be something more intangible, such as whether you encourage the kids to question decisions that don’t make sense to them.
3. Provide 1:1 time if there’s a foreign language involved
Maybe your au pair speaks a different language to you and you want the kids to learn that language? We found it useful to see to it that the au pair had alone time with each kid. A, who, at the time we had our first au pair, was 4 and didn’t yet speak English. This tactic worked very well and effectively ensured that he went from no English to fluent English in 9 months. We did this by shortening his daycare hours so that he had 3 afternoons alone with the au pair every week. N, who was 6, already spoke English at the time, and had alone time with the au pair on a more irregular basis.
4. Loss of privacy is inevitable, but…
Especially with our first au pair, the five of us were squeezed into 90 sqm. Let me tell you, there are no secrets between you after that! But the thing is, it only feels weird and uncomfortable for a while. Pretty soon, you start seeing the au pair as your (much) younger sister; your spouse’s child from their earlier marriage; or maybe your niece. This easy camaraderie sets in, and you don’t even think about privacy that much. We also try to include the au pair in our discussions and decisions. We discuss weekend plans together; what schools we’re thinking of applying to in Spain for the next school year; or what house we’re going to rent. That way, there are fewer things to keep private.
on the ladder.
5. Envy is a four-letter word (literally)
It’s quite possible that your kids will prefer the au pair to you; sometimes quite forcefully. She is, after all, the shiny new thing, and you’re the ogre who makes sure they brush their teeth twice a day. You also pay her to spend quality time with the kids while you slave away working. I struggled with this when we had our first au pair, and the kids would hang on to the au pair yelling “I don’t want to go with mummy!” (Good times.) Then I realised that I am indeed paying the au pair to spend quality time with the kids, so it’s madness to resent the close bond they’ve developed. I am also providing the kids with another safe and loving adult who they can have in their lives, and I’m sure no kid has too many of those.
6. Bikini season can be a b**ch
This is one particular pitfall that we have avoided altogether, thanks to hubby’s stellar moral character. But it did occur to me on a number of occasions that when there’s a man in the family that the female au pair is joining, there are a lot of ways that the man could make the au pair feel uncomfortable. Most obviously, on a family beach trip during bikini season, one too many surreptitious glances from the husband could easily be interpreted as ogling. But even with less skin exposed, the husband has to walk a very fine line between being helpful and overly friendly. Of course, if it’s a male au pair, then some of this at least translates to something the mum has to think about.
What challenges have you had with your au pair? I’d love to hear about your experiences! Or drop me a question in the comments if you want to know more about hosting an au pair!